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Here It Is – The Sixth Annual Political Insider Turkey Awards (PITAs)

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The rumors and whispers you heard are now true after a short hiatus.

Hold on to your giblets folks, it’s time once again to celebrate the true meaning of Thanksgiving in America.

It’s not the turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, or apple pie. Nay, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for – our sixth annual (The) Political Insider Turkey Awards, or PITAs for short.

Although the PITAs were delayed, we are very happy to report that they are now back. We did it, Joe!

Programming note for the winners: Due to supply chain issues, high shipping costs due to gas prices, and COVID restrictions, this year’s award will be an electronic $5 off coupon code to Aldi which you are welcome to use to buy an actual turkey.

Sorry to say, but we are a bit tight on budget in these times of Bidenflation.

That shouldn’t take away from the prestigiousness of this award ceremony. It is a goal of other prestigious awards shows to reach our level of prestige.

So without further adieu, here are the winners of the 2021 PITA awards …

General Mark Milley

What makes this year’s awards unique is that every single winner is taking home their first-ever prize. There are no repeat winners.

And in that spirit of diversity, we are proud to announce the first PITA award winner is the nation’s top ‘woke’ military leader – General Mark Milley.

Milley, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was so concerned about “white rage” in Trump supporters at the Capitol riot, that he seemingly took his eye off the ball in Afghanistan over the summer. 

The Afghanistan withdrawal led to a suicide bombing killing 13 service members, a retaliatory drone strike by the United States that killed 10 civilians – including an aid worker and 7 children – and countless Americans being left behind in the Taliban-controlled country.

Evidently driven by white anger, General Milley woke up and privately blamed State Department.

This past September, it was also revealed that Milley grew so concerned about President Donald Trump’s mental state that he secretly called China to tell them he’d give them a heads up if America was planning to attack.

“If we’re going to attack, I’m going to call you ahead of time,” Milley purportedly told General Li Zuocheng of the People’s Liberation Army of China.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson accused Milley of being “not just a pig, he’s stupid.”

Today, he’s a turkey. He’s also a Turkey Award Winner.

Merrick Garland

Merrick Garland, Attorney General joins Milley to be the first recipient of this prestigious PITA.

Garland earns his stripes based on a strong late-season surge which sees him face calls for resignation and being hauled before Congress for weaponizing the FBI – even using “counterterrorism tools” and “tag threats” to track parents critical of their local school boards – and lying about it.

The Department of Justice (DOJ) was also caught coordinating with the National School Boards Association (NSBA) to create a controversial letter comparing concerned parents to domestic terrorists.

Garland has weaponized the DOJ in their efforts to indict and arrest former Trump aide Steve Bannon, actively worked to allow illegal immigrants to be released into the country regardless of COVID testing status, and launched multiple investigations into police departments to investigate for “systemic issues.”

That’s quite the resumé.

We think Senator Tom Cotton said it best when he told Garland, “Thank God, you’re not on the Supreme Court.”

We asked Cotton if he’d present Garland with the award but have yet to hear back.

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris

Although President Biden, Vice President Kamala Harris and President Obama tried their hardest to make distance in the wake polling scandals, they were grouped together as cowinners of their initial PITA.

There are so many disasters that these two are responsible for that it’s difficult to know where to begin.

The two have been behind the wheel of a country being driven off a cliff – whether it’s the economy, the border crisis, the Afghanistan debacle, inflation, supply chain problems, gas prices, and on and on.

Biden has made it clear that he cares more about illegal immigrants then he does Americans after defending potential payments for those who are separated from their families while crossing illegally.

Harris has, in the meantime, been roaming aimlessly as a turkey’s head, travelling to the wrong border and making films with children actors. He was also temporarily controlled by a false French accent.

They were both praised by American media for their goodwill, and received a lot of praise from the American public. However, their incompetence has led to a steady decline in approval ratings.

According to a September poll, a majority of Americans believe that Biden should have resigned for his poor handling of Afghanistan’s withdrawal. The same poll showed that Harris’s qualifications to become President were not recognized by voters.

In October, another poll showed that the overwhelming majority of voters believed that the administration was simply incompetent.

The two also tried to lend support to Terry McAuliffe’s gubernatorial campaign earlier this month, which the voters of Virginia strongly rejected.

Shortly after that, Biden’s approval rating plunged to 38% while Harris dropped even further to 28%.

Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger

Another co-winner PITA sees the irresistible pairing of Representatives Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger earning their first recognition.

They have spent a lot of time as useless idiots serving the Democrat Party, rather than their conservative values or constituents.

While Cheney, Kinzinger pretend to be Republicans. However, their overwhelming motivation is not to promote or pass GOP platforms and policies, but to convince liberals that they hate Trump.

Kinzinger’s case was almost to the point of crying.

When they’re not perpetually crying about Donald Trump, Cheney is telling people the riot at the Capitol was “a domestic threat that we have never faced before,” and Kinzinger is suggesting he was so scared on January 6th that he thought about shooting Trump supporters.

The PITA Award will hopefully turn their small frowns upsidedown and make their fear of revolution into joyful tears.

Summary

We hope you enjoyed The Sixth Annual Political Insider’s Turkey Awards.

Even though winners are expected to suffer shame and embarrassment for their win, all recipients get a $5 Aldi coupon code. You’ll have something to share with your grandkids.

All our winners deserve congratulations! Here’s hoping they continue to work hard letting Americans know how completely incompetent they are – just by being themselves!

 

It is now that you can support, share, and encourage the people whom you have faith.
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