A Modest Proposal For Mask Hypocrites

There’s a video caroming around the internet, as viral videos are wont to do, of a child, probably no older than four, having a masked forced upon him by a crèche caretaker.

The video, which showed the child resisting his COVID bib like a wild foal being bridled, elicited an expected amount of outrage on the internet—meaning it accomplished nothing other than stepping-up a few million heart rates. It was a battle of wills that proved equally fatal. The child exhaled sufficient virus-laden droplets in his Davidian fight to infect his overprotective parents.

We know that his minder has been vaccinated, and is in no danger from Covid being infected by young children in her care.

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This inhumane and tragic ordeal represents, according to my informal count, the gazillionth example of public-health policies that go against common sense, decency, and good judgment. And it’s all the more aggravating because of two commensurate factors: the abusers will face no repercussions, and the law-pushers who impose such invidious rules like muzzling kids are openly flouting their own edicts.

Since Getting Mad Online™ is less proactive than a profitable industry, and since, on any given day, reams of digital script about liberal hypocrisy are plastered on the internet without effect, I figure I’d offer a better, more heart-soothing solution: swift, unapologetic, Robespierreian justice for the mask despots who either take their maw smothering too far or refuse to abide by their own standards.

As the Gospel of John says, let’s not love in words and speech, but action and truth. Pushing puritanical directives to absurdly logic ends is the best way to show mercy. 

The following is all make-believe, of course, and concepted in the ironizing vein of “The Monkey’s Paw.” Without further ado, our table of drops for the COVID moralizers and hypocrites!

The daycare rulers putting masks on children who are vocal. Resurrecting Andre the Giant and instructing him to fit the tot terrorizers with scold’s bridles seems—*ahem*—fitting. The playroom is thus completely protected against the adult vectors of SARS-CoV-2. Safety first

Next guilty party: a Montessori school principal who insisted elementary-school students re-don their masks for chewing their mushy, overly processed lunchtime vittles—no exception. It doesn’t stop there. Better yet, let’s have the entire school population do as the anon French prisoner and permanently adopt unremovable iron masks and ingest sustenance through a shambolic network of IV tubes.

This way educators and pupils are safe from the possibility of their mouths becoming uncoupled and making their airways more vulnerable. The first volunteer can help our overly worried schoolmaster set an example.

Next up: The Los Angeles Department of Health And The entire Emmys attendees list. They were guilty of producing wokish dreck in the name of entertainment. Blanking reinstated Covid Mask regulations. This includes mandated mouthcoverings for outdoor events.

L.A. Dept. The L.A. Dept. of Health granted an exception for indoor gatherings of gasbags who had produced potboilers for a year. So what’s a fitting punishment for both the bureaucrats who authorized maskless elitist fête And the screen stars who spent hours inhaling their colleague’s pretension-filled air globules?

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To start, since L.A.’s finest medical authorities think picture shows are so darnThey should also enjoy the fruits that they worked so hard to grow. A fitting penalty: force the entire bureau into a small theater to watch “Space Jam: A New Legacy,” this year’s highly-anticipated-but-forgettable sequel to the ‘90s classic, on repeat from now until the last bushmen in Botswana get the mRNA jab.

Perhaps some long-term acting might be possible for Emmy winners who were all MAGA COVID mockers one night. Let’s stuff them into a few Gulfstreams, drop them off at the Cracker Barrel in Greenville, Ala., inter them inside, lock the doors from the out, and force them to house biscuits unmasked amongst the rubes they disdain so much.

You might even throw in one or more COVID positive bumpkin. Bipartisan empathy doesn’t have to be dead, right?

Next offender is Speaker of the House Nancy-Antoinette Pelosi, who, when not riding the profit wave of her husband’s immaculate trading record, can’t seem to stay within the bounds of her own heavy-handed dictates. In a swearing-in photo-op with Texas congressman Jake Ellzey in July, Pelosi granted permission for a “masks off” snapshot, violating her own exception-less mask requirement for all those on House of Representatives’s property.

Also, she recently spoke yapuncovered to reporters drooping, sag-plasty smileAfter concluding, she didn’t even bother to reapply her maw coverage. How do you deal with Pelosi, an inveterate rulebreaker? What about balancing the odds in an equitable and just manner? Let’s award Pelosi’s conservative doppelganger, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, joint control over endogenous House affairs.

Two lovely ladies, the legislatrixes, should come to the table. They will have to negotiate the access rights for the shared workspace. Keep a camera handy to capture the professional and cordial conversation.

Joe Biden, last rulebreaker and biggest kahuna is it! I know what you’re thinking: going after the President of the United States!Are you sure? The!?!?Chief Executive Hasn’t a convocation of legal eagles already said that’s constitutionally infeasible? It doesn’t matter, the law ignores such important titles. There should be no double standard!

Biden and Boris Johnson met during a U.S.-UK bilateral. doffed their masksThey took a great photo even though they were seated separately and kept their hands over their mouths. President Biden has been scolding the country nonstop about not taking the pandemic seriously, yet invaded the personal space of a foreigner without covering his airways—all big COVID no-nos.

So what’s a proportionate punishment for the President that won’t get us charged under Article III, Section 3? A politician’s nightmare: force—or, rather, cajole with overwhelming sincerity—Biden to announce his reelection campaign and hit the hustings in red states, meeting face-to-face with unvaccinated Republican voters, snapping selfies with each one.

You can do it indoors without covering your face. Biden must win over the vile ivermectin fans to earn his second term.

St. Francis said the “spirit of the world tends to be all talk and no action.” Well I’ve proposed plenty of concrete action to finally rid ourselves of a plague worse than COVID-19: the unrepentant duplicitousness of our coronavirus commissars who insist we underlings live as expressionless drones, mindlessly obeying a matrix of restrictions while the designers and their snooty compatriots live free.

This maladministration should not go unanswered—so I answered with requitals that should satisfy their professed precepts.

Aristotle taught that theories must be examined by testing their conclusion to the extreme. Just anoint me unquestioned god-emperor for five—No, three! Just three!—hours and I’ll ensure all the mask-mandating malefactors get their just desserts, including that wrinkly old fart occupying the Oval Office.

I’ll cry fīat jūstitia ruat cælumLet them really have it!

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What’s that you say? Is it imprudent to grant me this power even for a brief period? It’s unwise and reckless, because power is a corrupting force? That’s a good point. But it does make me wonder: why award it to anyone, if even your humble correspondent can’t be trusted with the brass ring?

I suppose the answer could be the basis of a real law-based society, instead of one that’s anti-despotic on paper but accepting of dictatorial government in practice.

Oh!It’s all irony. While the COVID-edict is not in effect, you can still imagine your deceitful counterparts in Malebolge, blazing by their own lies, for all eternity.


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